As I’m rocking my baby

As I’m rocking my baby to sleep at 2am a rush of emotions brings tears to my eyes.

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Liam started out as a really good sleeper. Although he rarely (maybe a total of 3 times) slept through the night it was super easy to get him back to sleep. Around 4 months his sleep patterns began to change. Around 6 months they took a turn for the worse. He wakes up screaming crying and cannot soothe himself back to sleep. He demands to be rocked and I can’t stand letting him cry. I will let him fuss and cry a little and he can at times get himself back to sleep but when he is screaming there is no option (in my opinion) but to intervene and soothe my sweet boy.

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In the past month Liam has woke up screaming several times throughout the night. This isn’t every night but maybe 5 out of 7 nights a week. It usually starts around 11pm and then 2am and then 4am and maybe even 5am. Almost instantly once he is picked up he calms down and falls back asleep as I rock him. I usually rock him for several minutes once he is asleep. Then as I lay him down so carefully in his crib, he wakes up and begins screaming again. I try again. Sometimes it works and other times I am just too exhausted to continue with this cycle of crying, rocking, and then crying again. He will end up in bed with me and my husband so that I can actually get some sleep. He sleeps well at that point but that is a last resort option for me. I prefer not to have him in bed with us.

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A big part of me is exhausted and wishing I could be sleeping. I can’t wait for Liam to start sleeping through the night. The thought of 6 solid hours of sleep is a dream in the far off distance lately.

The other part of me really cherishes the quiet moments as he is sleeping in my arms with his little (but so big) body wrapped around mine. He is snuggled into me and looks so peaceful and comfortable. I know these days are limited and I try to remind myself to appreciate this time. It already seems like he is growing way to fast.

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I often try to remind myself that this is not forever. That it is a phase and he will eventually grow out of it. This is encouraging and heart breaking at the same time. I want my baby to always want cuddles from his mom. Those moments of bonding in the middle of the night are so special to me. It’s encouraging to know that one day I will be able to sleep a little bit more and maybe actually feel rested again.

The most important thing to remind myself is to be grateful that sleep is our biggest problem. I thank the Lord every day for a happy and healthy baby.

Any suggestions or advice are appreciated! Happy Friday and enjoy the weekend!

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